hear me roar. and bitch. and moan.

dunh dunh dunnnnn. the elliptical. the bastard of all cardio machines. my first day on it (one week ago), i only lasted 4 minutes. today....oooh today. today i lasted 16 minutes! that's SIXTEEN. woot! i'm so proud today. i really sweated my ass off and it felt good. since when does working out feel good? i have found that with metallica in my ear...well, i can last 16 minutes on the damn machine! hands down, the best workout music EVER. you grit your teeth and you push through with james growling in your ear. yesterday was a shit day as far as diet and exercise went. i had a great day, but i went way overboard on the eating. it was like i forgot weight watchers even existed for a span of 5 hours. BUT....there is a silver lining. i used my alloted 'extra' points for the week and didn't go over those, at least. sure, i should have made better choices, but i'm back in the saddle today. not discouraged, encouraged. new day, new points. i have to ...

today was my third day in a row at the gym. i couldn't be more proud of myself. or more in pain. the first day i went, i did 30 minutes on the treadmill. i felt okay afterwards, but i wouldn't say i felt like i 'worked out'. so yesterday, i thought i'd step it up a notch. i decided to go for the elliptical machine. "mel can do it", i thought. "why can't i?", i thought. i'll tell you why. the machine is a torture device. 4...yes, 4...minutes in, i had to get the hell off that thing. wtf?!? my breathing became labored, my legs like jelly....4 whole minutes in. urgh. off to the treadmill i went, hoping against hope that my legs wouldn't give out on me, causing me to fall on the treadmill, and shooting me back into the machine behind me. well, they didn't, and i was able to do 25 more minutes on the treadmill. then a few arm strength thingies. i definitely left feeling i had worked out. today, i was determined to at l...

i'm so tired i can't think straight. i'm going on a few weeks now of either no sleep, interrupted sleep, or restless sleep. i'm certain it has to do with the therapy. normally I'll just completely occupy my mind until I stop thinking. currently, there aren't enough mindless activities in the world for that. le sigh. in other news, i'm on day 4 of the weight watchers, and i'm doing pretty well. i'm actually finding that i can't quite eat all the points they've allotted me in the course of a day. i remember this conundrum from when i was on ww before. you're really supposed to eat all of your points because your body is used to so much more. my body, however, is not used to more food, just more calories and fat. i was perfectly happy eating crappy snacks throughout the day, then an unhealthy dinner. i know it will even itself out. i've been perusing the grocery store aisles with my points calculator, gleefully finding the lo...

so i've been seeing a therapist. there. it's out. i'm not the pillar of strength i pretend to be. well, i guess i was. until i hit that brick wall. more on that later. yesterday, my therapist said something to me that really got my attention. he said, "you already know how to survive. you've proven it. the only thing that running will do is prove once again that you can survive. if you stay, you'll learn how to thrive instead." that's what i want to do. i want to thrive. for all its hokiness, it's exactly what i needed to hear. to me, part of thriving would be to do the things i know i need to do. you see, i'm a giant procrastinator. i will put off doctor appointments, getting my car fixed when i know it needs it and going to the fucking dentist. wtf? today, i've jumped in the pool. with larry (my doc) as my life jacket. maybe he's more like the arm floaties than a full on life jacket. i like to think that i can accom...

Dear Emeril, I was so happy hating you. The way you cooked your food. The annoying "bam" that resonates and makes me nauseous. That stupid band on your show. The crazed audience that applauds like maniacs when you add a pat of butter. The complete overexposure of your 'personality'. WHY??? Why did you have to come out with your heirloom tomato line? Why, while shopping at 11:00 p.m. did I happen to see that giant red tomato? The most beautiful I'd seen since my last summer in Ohio when the giant ugly beefsteaks were so juicy and fantastic. I loved that tomato of yours so much, I have now purchased three of them. One at a time. $4.00 at a time. $4.00 for ONE FUCKING TOMATO. Yes, I spent it. I am both ashamed and happy. What have you done to me, you clever, annoying bastard?? Signed, Heather