Oh, Emeril

Dear Emeril,

I was so happy hating you. The way you cooked your food. The annoying "bam" that resonates and makes me nauseous. That stupid band on your show. The crazed audience that applauds like maniacs when you add a pat of butter. The complete overexposure of your 'personality'.

WHY??? Why did you have to come out with your heirloom tomato line? Why, while shopping at 11:00 p.m. did I happen to see that giant red tomato? The most beautiful I'd seen since my last summer in Ohio when the giant ugly beefsteaks were so juicy and fantastic.

I loved that tomato of yours so much, I have now purchased three of them. One at a time. $4.00 at a time. $4.00 for ONE FUCKING TOMATO. Yes, I spent it. I am both ashamed and happy. What have you done to me, you clever, annoying bastard??

Signed,
Heather

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