feeling the feeling....or something

i'm really quite fond of my therapist. his name is larry. he's very sensible and pretty funny. he also curses on occasion, which works for me because i don't trust anyone that can't drop a 'shit' or 'fuck' once in awhile.

i'm a bit confounded, however. ever since i started visiting him, he's been repeating this sort of mantra. "getting to the point where it's okay just to feel the feelings" or "accepting that you're feeling". or something like that. maybe it's not a mantra if i can't quote it exactly. dammit my mind fails me.

at any rate, the point he's getting at is that apparently, in some weird universe, people feel sad and feel it's okay to feel sad. if i'm sad, or lonely, or missing someone, i feel weak. in fact, happiness and anger are really the only two emotions i accept feeling, and feel that it's okay to feel them.

it's completely in my nature to do anything to stop myself from feeling certain ways. really, there's one real feeling and that's weak. anything other than happy or angry, and it equates to weak with me. missing my ex-boyfriend? WEAK! feeling like i need someone's help? WEAK!

apparently i'm supposed to get to this higher plane where i can sit there and say "i'm missing T right now. it feels miserable. that's okay." when what i normally would do is something...anything...to make me feel the exact opposite. you miss him? call him. you miss him but can't call him? distract your mind. you miss him, can't call him, and can't distract your mind? move to another state! quit your job! get into a huge argument with someone for no reason! anything to stop thinking about him!! do it!! run!!

ugh. i know that's not the right way to deal, but i also can't, for the life of me, figure out how to be okay with the way i'm feeling. do you perpetuate it? do you listen to sad songs, remembering the good and the bad? do you sit still, feeling your feelings? how do you know when you're done? i just can't figure it out. i'm waiting for instruction, or a light bulb, or a box to put this in.

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